How to Stop People‑Pleasing and Start Prioritizing Your Mental Health
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You’ve spent years caring for others. So, putting yourself first can feel strange, even if you know it’s what you need. You might say “Sorry” even when you're not at fault. You might agree before thinking it through. You could stay up late helping others, while your own to-do list grows.
On the outside, people might see you as dependable and kind, the person who will always come through. On the inside, you might feel exhausted, resentful, or anxious and still struggle to say no. It’s like walking on a tight rope.
If that sounds familiar, know that many other women like you feel the same. Many learn early that their value is tied to being helpful and agreeable. Being “easy to work with” feels safer than setting limits. However, this can gradually harm their mental health.
More Than “Just Being Nice”
People-pleasing is more than just being nice. It’s a pattern where you often put others’ needs and comfort before your own. This can drain your energy, time, and emotional wellbeing. You might take on extra work, even when you're busy, because you don't want to let someone down. You might hold back your thoughts in meetings. You worry about being judged. You might take on more than your fair share at home, then blame yourself when you feel burnt out. Over time, this can chip away at your sense of self-worth. When your brain values others' approval over your feelings, it’s tough to know what you truly want and need.
Why Do Women People-Please?
Many women people-please in all areas of life.
You might be balancing a tough job, parenting, or caregiving. You must also manage partnership dynamics, friendships, and the unseen work of running a home. It is easy to feel like there is no acceptable place to drop the ball. If you have a history of feeling overlooked, criticized, or unloved, you may have learned that being helpful and pleasing is the safest way to stay connected to others. People-pleasing can feel less like a choice and more like a survival tactic. It may have helped you before, but now it keeps you stuck.
Does People-Pleasing Fuel Anxiety?
People-pleasing and anxiety are closely linked.
When you are constantly monitoring other people’s reactions and trying to prevent conflict, your nervous system stays on high alert. You may wonder if you upset someone. You might replay conversations in your mind. Or you could worry for days about saying no to a request. This kind of chronic social anxiety is draining. Your brain looks for signs of rejection. This makes work, relationships, and even simple invites feel very important. Over time, this can lead to signs of generalized anxiety. You might feel constant worry, restlessness, irritability, and have trouble concentrating or sleeping.
Can People-Pleasing Turn into Depression?
Depression can also sneak into this picture. Ignoring your needs can make you feel numb, hopeless, or disconnected from what you want. You may think your feelings don’t matter as much as others’. You might feel that your worth relies only on what you do for them. This can appear as low mood, tiredness, and losing interest in things you once enjoyed. You might feel a lingering emptiness, even after doing everything “right” for others. It is painful to realize that you are doing so much and still not feeling okay. That pain is often what finally makes you start questioning the old patterns.
Why People-Pleasing Doesn’t Really Keep You Safe
One tough truth about people-pleasing is that it doesn’t really keep you safe like you think it does. You might say yes to avoid conflict but then feel resentful or overwhelmed later. You may hide your feelings to keep things calm. But your relationships might not feel emotionally close or safe. Putting others first can hide stress that impacts your mind and body, even if you seem “fine” on the outside. Stress you ignore or push down doesn’t actually go away. It can appear as headaches, muscle tension, stomach problems, and trouble sleeping. You might also feel emotional symptoms like irritability, sadness, or numbness.
The Cost of People-Pleasing
If this is resonating with you, there’s nothing wrong with you. You learned to relate to people in the best way you could with the tools you had. You may have grown up in a family where staying quiet felt safer. Or, you might have been praised at work for always taking on more. You’re not broken for having this pattern. But you’re allowed to decide when it is no longer working for you. Noticing the cost of people-pleasing is often the first step in changing it.
First Steps to Changing the Pattern
Stopping people-pleasing doesn’t mean you should never help anyone. It means putting your mental health on the same level as the commitments you make to everyone else. One helpful starting point is to simply notice your automatic yes. The next time someone asks you for something, pause and check in with your body before answering.
● Do you feel tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach?
● Do you feel an instant wave of dread or pressure?
Those are signs that you might be about to agree to something that drains you. Slowing down to notice what you feel gives you a chance to choose, rather than reacting on autopilot.
Understanding Your Fear of Saying No
Another important piece is understanding where your fear of saying no comes from. Many women who people-please often fear rejection, criticism, or being seen as selfish. This fear may come from past experiences like emotional neglect, harsh criticism, or inconsistent care. When you say no, even to something small, your nervous system might react as if your safety is at risk. Knowing this can help you show compassion to yourself instead of judgment. You are not overreacting out of nowhere. Your body is trying to protect you from pain it remembers, even if that pain is no longer present in the same way.
Practical Boundary‑Setting Skills
There are also very practical skills that can help you begin to set boundaries. Learning to use clear language can make saying no easier. Have short-phrase responses ready that can give you room to protect your energy without overexplaining or apologizing. Try these:
✔️“I cannot take that on right now.”
✔️“That does not work for me.”
✔️“I need to think about it and get back to you.”
Practicing these phrases in low-stakes situations can help. For example, say no to extra tasks at work when you're busy. This shows your brain that setting boundaries won’t cause disaster. Over time, this can reduce anxiety and build confidence in your ability to stand up for yourself.
Moving Toward Healthier, Mutual Relationships
It is also important to remember that healthy social connection is a protective factor for anxiety and depression. Pulling away from people completely is not the goal. Aim for relationships where you can be your true self, not just a caretaker or a problem solver. Feeling seen and respected in social connections can boost your mood and lessen depressive symptoms. Setting boundaries can feel scary at first. However, it helps you build deeper, healthier relationships instead of pushing them away.
You might worry that if you stop people-pleasing, you will become cold or unkind. Saying no to what drains you makes more room for the people and activities that truly matter to you. It shows those around you that it's okay to have needs and limits. This is especially important when raising kids or mentoring younger women.
Taking care of your mental health helps you be truly present with others. When you're not worn out by things you dislike, you can give compassion and support freely.
How Therapy Can Support You
For many women, working with a therapist is a key part of breaking out of people-pleasing patterns. A therapist can help you understand where these patterns started. They can help you find new ways to connect with others. They also teach coping strategies for the anxiety that often comes with setting boundaries.
Therapy provides a safe space to explore emotions that people-pleasing hides. This includes feelings like anger, grief, and loneliness. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions doesn't make you selfish. It makes you honest with yourself, which is a crucial part of healing.
Giving Yourself Permission to Change
You’ve focused so much on what others need that you might have lost touch with yourself. It's okay if this feels uncomfortable or even scary at the beginning. Change rarely feels calm at first. Every time you prioritize your mental health over pleasing others, you teach your brain that you deserve care, too. You don’t have to abandon yourself to keep someone else happy. You can be kind and still say no. You can create a life where your needs, rest, and wellbeing are just as important as the support you give to others.
Ready to Get Support?
You’ve worked hard to care for everyone else. It can feel odd to think about getting that care for yourself. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It shows you’re ready to prioritize your needs and your nervous system. If you see these patterns in yourself and want to change, you don’t have to do it alone.
Coral Rose Counseling specializes in supporting women who are navigating anxiety and the pressure to be everything to everyone. Secure virtual sessions are provided for women living in Georgia and Virginia.
Ready to feel less overwhelmed and more grounded? Contact Coral Rose Counseling today for a free consultation.
FAQ: People-Pleasing, Anxiety, and Getting Help
Is people-pleasing the same thing as being kind? No. Being kind means helping others when you truly want to and can. People-pleasing, on the other hand, is putting others first too often, even if it hurts you. People who please others often neglect their needs. They feel guilty when saying no. This can lead to more stress, anxiety, and burnout.
How is people-pleasing connected to anxiety? People-pleasing often develops as a way to manage worries about rejection, criticism, or conflict. When you always watch for others’ reactions and try to keep everyone happy, your nervous system stays on edge. This can lead to anxiety symptoms like constant worry, restlessness, irritability, and trouble sleeping.
Can people-pleasing lead to depression? Yes, it can. Putting others first for too long can make you feel empty, resentful, or lost. This ongoing self‑neglect can contribute to low mood, fatigue, loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy, and a sense that your feelings do not matter, all of which are common in depression.
How can therapy help with people-pleasing? Therapy provides a safe space to explore your people-pleasing patterns. You can discover where they come from and how they affect your current relationships.
A therapist can help you:
Set boundaries.
Challenge the belief that your worth depends on making others happy.
Develop ways to handle anxiety and guilt when you begin to say no.
Resources
Chaudhuri, A., & Singh, R. (2025). Expression of hidden stress: Shaping the biopsychosocial understanding of people-pleasing and lack of assertiveness. Journal of Psychosocial Research, 19(3), 215–229. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12535582/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih
Peace Family Counseling. (2025, October 29). People-pleasing and anxiety. Peace Family Counseling Blog. https://peacefamilycounseling.com/people-pleasing-and-anxiety/peacefamilycounseling
Liz Morrison Therapy. (2024, July 31). Anxiety & people-pleasing: Here’s what you need to know. Liz Morrison Therapy. https://www.lizmorrisontherapy.com/post/whats-the-link-between-anxiety-and-people-pleasing-here-s-what-you-need-to-knowlizmorrisontherapy
van der Merwe, S. (2024, August 13). A simple protocol to stop people-pleasing behaviour. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/from-victim-to-victor/202408/a-simple-protocol-to-stop-people-pleasing-behaviourpsychologytoday
Markham, L. (2022, August 12). How people-pleasing damages self-worth. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202208/how-people-pleasing-damages-self-worthpsychologytoday
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2022, December 6). Addressing your mental health by identifying the signs of anxiety and depression. Mayo Clinic Health System. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/addressing-your-mental-health-by-identifying-the-signs-of-anxiety-and-depressionsncs-prod-external.mayo
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2025, July 28). Anxiety disorders: Symptoms and causes. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961mayoclinic
Courage to Be Therapy. (2025, May 12). The connection between anxiety and people-pleasing. Courage to Be Therapy Blog. https://www.couragetobetherapy.com/blogarticles/the-connection-between-anxiety-and-people-pleasingcouragetobetherapy
